There's something very wrong. I only make $6,000 a year and I'm eligible for only $10 in food stamps? I always hear the ads on the radio like, "apply for food stamps! It's easy!" But I don't get it. I thought I should be getting a lot more than I am. It works for other people. But, if trying to find a case for me means I'm going to have to go back to that dingy building and wait forever, forget it. I'm tired. I am so done. I'm just waiting for God to pull the plug. I don't want to be a courageous scavenger anymore. When I was younger and first on my own, I was on food stamps when it was in booklet form. Man, people in my SRO used to be trading and selling them, everything. I didn't do any of that. Some guy said to me like, what was I willing to do for it? when I saw a whole bunch under his pillow.I did nothing, just walked away. Some people loved to abuse the system. I didn't. But I was still walking to the west side of Harlem, eating at soup kitchens and applying for welfare in these dreary buildings. Oh man, I went all over the island of Manhattan for welfare it seemed. I was skinny back then, and I sometimes refused to eat down stairs in my SRO because it was a mostly male dominated building and I'd be scared they'd be oogling me, checking me out. Yeah I slept with some of the men there, but I was also scared. I just CANNOT be the young, semi-vivacious girl I was. I'm still young, but I feel I've just did a downward spiral mentally over the past eight years. I'm sick of the pain. I'm sick of STRUGGLING. I just want to break the chains I'm in and bound to freedom. Mental chains and system chains. When I moved to J.C., I wouldn't even discover how the system here could work for me. Are you kidding? I'm so done. I started this journey when I was 19. I'm understandably tired. My whole 20's was about struggle. I'm starting my 30's the same way? No. God has to look at me and see how long I've been in pain. I don't know why he won't rescue me. God, I'm so through! Why do you insist on doing this to me every day? Look, I know where the food is, but 1. I'm not filling out a form to get it, and 2., why get food if I don't know how to prepare it? I want to eat what I'm capable of finishing, and the little meals I make for myself as well as the fruits I buy are all I can do right now. I could live off rice and peas, but no, I'd rather eat pineapple and water and continue to hear my stomach growl until I get a real meal, not rice and peas, into my stomach. Rice and peas to me seems so elaborate. It's simple to prepare, but like I'll only eat it if my mom is preparing it with some mutton, fish or chicken. If I were to prepare a meal like that I'd definately have leftovers, and after two days, I don't bother to eat leftovers anymore. God, when will you say yes? I just want to belong. I want my struggle to be over. God, are people up there coming to you, asking when I'll be up? Why are you continuing to see me live my life this way? Intervene! Intervene for me! Take me to a better place! I want to be so free. God, I'm trapped. There's no place else for me to go! I just want out, you know it. A system victim. That's what I am. But I was so young! What a way to end your teen years. I want my innocence back, an innocence I didn't know I had.
1 comment on A system victim. (structurally unsound)
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$10 seems like so little! Even though they know you only need the food for yourself, they must see that you don't get very much money to live on and you still need to pay for paper goods and a whole number of things that food stamps don't cover. Have you looked into just filling out a whole new application BEFORE you go to that dingy building? You can get them online and print them out. Most of the time you still have to go into the place in person to actually have a meeting, but you can get the preliminary paperwork done ahead of time, which may save some time. Plus, some places allow you to mail in your application BEFORE your scheduled appointment (if the forms are completely filled out) so they can start the reviewing process before you even go in.
I don't know how fussy an eater you are, but you should consider soups, some no-name brand canned foods, and some frozen foods that come in single-serve sizes. Some of them are real tasty now... a lot better than they used to be...and they're a lot easier to prepare and there are little or no leftovers. Also, with the better weather coming, you can often get some good buys at farmer's markets. If you have any dollar stores near you it may be where you can find some food items there, too...not meal stuff so much, but snacks, spices, and "fill-in" items.
But, I really would go back to that dingy place if I were you. The worse that can happen is you getting stuck with still getting $10, but maybe if you go in person and bring some proof with you of income and expenses, remind them you need money for transportation, personal items, and a number of other things, and maybe you'll get more.