Afterthought

Now I know what Jeffy's dick looks like. I got the vision while smoking a cigarette(thank you, Newports). I really thought I was going to do it, but as we were all in the car, I started thinking about stuff, how successful my life would be one day. By the time I got to my place that night, I had no thought of doing it. The sex guy I was going to work for called me today, and I agreed to go on a drive with him. He parked in an almost empty parking lot, right next to an invalid van. He talked about the business, I asked some questions, and then we had a little sex. He was a big guy, and I like big guys, but his stomach and the steering wheel got in the way of me handling his dick the way I had wanted to. He played with my tits a lot and I sucked his nipple(I couldn't reach the other one, so I just played with it with my hand). At the end, I had the audacity of asking for $75 for the whole thing. 75? Come on, I must've been dreaming. He payed me what he thought what I did was worth, which totaled only $35. I was like, no way, but I didn't say anything. He was like, don't get discouraged, you're just starting out. He said when ever I felt like working, just give him a call. I don't think my life will ever get successful. I'm still struggling mentally everyday, and although I ask God to stop the pain and help me a little, forget it, I get nothing. I went to Brooklyn Tabernacle yesterday for a 3:30 service in which there was a guest family of singers, one of whom also preached. He was talking about people who had pain or regrets in their life, or constantly thinking about the past, and I went forward when he asked who would want to leave all the pain and the past behind for good. It was the second time I went forward for something in that church; this last time, I do want a change, so when I was in my bed that night I was asking God NO MORE. I won't bring up the past anymore if you agree to end the pain. But when I was in the bathroom, I found myself doing that exact same thing I wasn't going to do, bring up the past. I just couldn't help it. I could get into it now, but I got really upset last night after I brought it all up, and I don't want to get upset again. No, I'm already upset. I'm upset because I can't be with Jeff. I think about him so hard! You know what I did? Someone had drawn a blah&blah forever(with the number 4 in forever) with a crayon on the sidewalk, leaving the crayon behind. So, when nobody was walking past, I took it and scrawled JEFFREY DAHMER right on the sidewalk. I was going to add 4EVER too, but I figured stop now while I'm still innocent(this was right in front of someone's house). I'm so hungry. I'm hungry for God, I'm REAL hungry for LOVE. I want to really get married, but like I said before, who the fuck would want to marry me?