The roaches are starting to come out in my apartment again. It's the warmer temperatures.I found two in my water supply and had to throw it out. Now I have no water in the house and I'm going to be thirsty soon. I'll just drink my green tea. I have an offer to get Poland Spring delivered to me, and I think I may go for it. I have to check my finances first. I read the Bible for the first time in like a year today. I wish there was a church that spoke to people who are suffering, I mean that was it's mission, specifically to mental suffering. But there is no church which is going to overtake that job, right? Such stigma associated with that kind of pain! Who's going to want to linger on that subject? If the pastors don't want to talk about it that means that not enough people are suffering, I mean, it isn't a real epidemic. Or maybe a lot of people are suffering but everybody else's ears are closed or tuned to a different subject. I don't know. But it would be cool for there to be a church where sufferers were welcome 'cause they knew the pastors cared and would dedicate each service to them and to those who hadn't made it; they either killed themselves or were taken abruptly. I'm going through stuff and I want God to hear me. I paused reading to pray, and it was like I was praying in my head but all these other words were fighting in to be heard, stuff that was legitimate to why I was praying. God, I hope you heard me. I wanted to go to the bookstore to find a book about suffering, but I wanted to hear from an author who was saved, around my age and been through every kind of suffering imaginable, including mental. Not his sister or his father went through a mental disease, but him personally went through some stuff. I might as well just save myself a trip 'cause there are no authors like that. I'm probably the lone one, and look, if I Google my name things come up that aren't related to me at all. There are other girls with my name out there, but not like me. They're probably rich and glamerous or have local fame. I'm practically a nobody-wait-I am a nobody despite everything I've written. God, I just had to pray. A whole bunch of words were fighting for the spotlight of my Savior to be heard by him. I hope he heard the words in my head that didn't make it across in complete sentences. I wish this would be the start of something grand between you and me, but it's going to be another heartaching day again tomorrow. Well, when I got back to my place tonight, I had plans to explore the great city of New York and do some damage with my stimulus check (if it has arrived by now). New York is always great when you've got like, Louis Vuitton speedy bags stuffed with money in either hand. But when you're fighting for a piece of anything, it can be the worst place on earth. I know. Been there! Didn't survive! Won't go back! I don't care if I left with my tail between my legs! Wasn't for me. Life is tough for me already. Where I lived just made it worse.
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God hears every word and thought and makes all the connections, regardless of how well or poorly you think you may be saying things or collecting your thoughts. He hears feelings, too. So, don't worry about what and how He's heard, because He just does.
I'm not sure of any books like you have mentioned you would like to read. Googling may be more frustrating than helpful if the keywords you are using don't quite hit the mark specifically. So, you may need to narrow down your search so you have been keywords to target. One of your counselors/therapists/doctors may know of such books or can check it out for you and get the information to you. There are sections in libraries and bookstores dealing with this subject, some will be textbook like, some will be self-help type, but some will be autobiographical. You could look through the books in this particular "department" in a library or a real, good bookstore.
If you must Google, I would suggest trying to find more specific keywords that will work. You may have to experiment a bit, though. Try a keyword, see what kind of a list comes up. If it's not quite right, including too much of the wrong stuff, do not keep looking at the list or trying different things on the list. Instead, try another keyword and get a new list. Just keep doing that until a list comes up that's "more like it". Then you can start looking at the different sites listed.
I would try mental illness biographies, mental illness survivors, living with mental illness, personal experiences with mental illness, i suffer with mental illness, recommended reading on mental illness, books about mental illness, books recommended by psychiatrists, books for mental illness patients, mental illness books-nonfiction, etc. Or, take a stab at anything that might sound like a title, like Why Am I Like This?, Why Do I Have to Have Mental Illness?, Why Has God Deserted Me?, I'm Different, Nobody Loves a Mentally Ill Person, Nobody Understands Me, All Alone with My Mental Illness. Can you see why this can take forever and get frustrating? But, it's worth a try because you might find what you are looking for.
I'm going out on a limb here, but you can remain anonymous so what will it hurt? You can write/contact Pat Robertson/The 700 Club, with a brief letter or note or description of who you are and the type of book you are looking for. There might be suggestions that he/they can make. It might be a story just like you want, plus it might be just spiritual enough or touch on the struggle with the relationship with God enough to be exactly the right thing to read.