Right now I feel bad. I don't want to be on this earth anymore. God did a bad, bad, horrible, muy terrible thing when he saved me from dying when I od'ed. I don't care. I just want out. Look, I felt optimistic I might meet somebody, but what if it's all fiction? Right now I can't see myself with anybody else but Mr. Guy just when I was in love with Jeff I couldn't accept anybody but him. The truth is neither Jeff nor Mr. Guy need me. I haven't been needed for 31 years. I've been loved (by family, WOW) but nobody has ever clung to me and told me that they needed me. Even if they did, I'd have my own agenda; I'd think my life was too painful and would've offed myself. That's how I feel right now. I'm so, so sick of being depressed, feeling seriously brain damaged, but that's how I get sometimes and it's a killer. Right now I just want out. I don't need anybody and nobody needs me. I had another dream about the Caribbean last night. What gives? My life is painful, so bitter. Nobody can make it better, not even God. He ain't holy. He could never help me when I was crying out so desperately from the hell of my own brain, my own soul. He could never help me, his neediest.
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