back to calling "him" mean names...deserves it

Nearby where I live there’s a church and I know they were having a funeral for a young kid this morning because there were bunches of young people outside on the church steps. I just hate that other people get to die but me! Why am I so special to God? Why do I have to live? I’m a nobody. All I wanted was to die and God-ooh I can’t say his name anymore. He’s so evil towards me. I don’t ever want to say his name again. Should I go back to calling him the jackass I serve? ‘cause really, that’s what he is, that’s what he is to me. Other people get to die but I have to stay here. I hate the jackass I serve. If there was a word worse than “jackass” that I could call him, I would. He means nothing to me. Look at all the suffering I’ve been going through. The jackass doesn’t care. He likes to see me in pain. And if I die by suicide he’ll send me to hell for it? Damned jackass turd! I hate him. I have come to him out of love and he has rejected me. I have come to him in my pain and suffering, unable to even open my eyes sometimes ‘cause I’m suffering so bad and he has rejected me. I don’t believe in him. I will fornicate, whatever. I’m working on getting my tats removed, but only because it doesn’t look good for my self image. I would say screw my self image, it’s already in the toilet, but I do want a man. If the jackass I serve doesn’t want them removed, he’ll tell me next week when I have my conference with my job counselor. I don’t care if I do or if I don’t get them removed. There’s a book I saw at the library about why the Bible is such bullshit because it doesn’t fully address the subject of suffering. I wonder if the author talks about mental suffering. I wasn’t going to check it out because the guy totally renounced his Christian faith over that argument. Even though I fit into that category, I don’t know, I feel bound in some way because in the nineties I made this confession that I was a sinner and that I wanted to follow Christ. I don’t know why I can’t do what this guy did. If I read his book entirely and get really angry over what I think is my Savior’s lack of compassion for me, I’m going to wish I had never been saved. I hate the jackass I serve.