I'm such at a state that I don't know what to believe. My whole family seems to think that I'm normal, that I don't need the meds I'm on. Yesterday my dad told me I don't need them. What was I going to, try and convince him that I did? It's going to take a death to make them see. But who am I kidding? I'm never going to die. I just need to, so my fantasy can become MY (FINALLY) reality and so I can tell everyone who didn't think so, "See? I did need the meds!" Even though most days it felt like they didn't work. God, I told you, my parents don't understand me! They're all normal. How are they going to understand the rantings of a mentally ill woman? I wish I were normal like them so we could all get along better. I just feel alone in this world, I mean SERIOUSLY loney and SERIOUSLY alone. God, I feel alone! Can you help me die? No, never, right? See, nothing's changed.
1 comment on back to the same ol' same old
Add a comment
To add comments without entering your email and image verification, you must be logged in. Login or Join Blogster
I sometimes feel that a lot of what feeds the effects of your illness is the rebellion against your parents and how they (and others, too) tend to make you feel misunderstood, an outcast, different, wrong, etc. They, meaning most if not all people, have given so many life-long impressions that they are normal so you (or others not like them) are not normal, that you not only believe it but you think something is wrong with it. It pretty much speaks for the belief that BEING normal might be nice, but normal PEOPLE are not always nice.
There's a lot of "normal" people who probably wish there weren't "abnormal" people and things to deal with...they maybe wish all those things would just go away....yet, because they are so supposedly "normal", they can't and won't "hear such talk" or "tolerate such talk or behavior" when "abnormal" people speak of leaving this life. Ohhhh, like they care so much that someone shouldn't feel that way, but yet they wish people like them weren't around anyway. So, which is it? Why the hypocracy?
Well, not all people are hypocrites....some really do understand, really do care, really do try to help, really do try to do something about it. But, there will always be those who say one thing but really mean another. This fact, unfortunately exists in every issue, every occupation, every cause, every aspect, every corner of society...in the good, the bad, the rich, the less fortunate, etc. That's why other people can make you feel better and why other people can make you feel worse. That's why some people seem to understand, while others just don't get it at all.
You know who you are. You know what you like (even if others like other things or question your tastes), you know what makes you feel good and what makes you feel bad (even if there are those who say different). Yes, we all must try to get along with people, but it isn't necessary to take everything people say and think at heart...because maybe they just don't really understand, maybe they are being a bit (or a lot) hypocritical, maybe they are just insecure about themselves or some things in their own lives that they haven't ever accepted or worked out. So, yes, you try to get along, you try to listen and take some advice or opinion from others, but you must also try to not compare yourself to them or rely on them to be your answers or hope too much. Instead, you must take care of yourself and maybe really listen to, really talk to, really lean on those who are not judging or criticising, but those who really listen and talk to you, who try to understand, who have helped. (That's how even those so-called "normal" people should be choosing their friends and colleagues, but you can see how a lot of them fail at that, too! They're the failures in many ways, not you!)
So, it's pep talk time. Why should you want to die because life has been made this way? You didn't make it happen! Sure, you can get tired sometimes and just want to get away from all of this, but you didn't make you feel this way! A lot of this has to do with your illness, but that's not your fault! At least you're being honest about how you really feel, what you really need, and what you want....and, for those who are also being honest, that means more than any judgements from others, any two-faced people out there, or a lot of things in their lives. So, it's important to try not to give in and sink to levels caused by other's perceptions, regards, and ignorance. They're the ones who have already done some sinking...they have a problem, too, but they don't even see it or won't even admit it. You have to know that you are worth it, you are a human being, you are honest, and there are good people that you choose to trust, talk to, rely on, and to inspire you...and, although you may smile and be nice to other people, you will not let them influence you.