Bad Times on Bergen Avenue II

I FEEL SO SICK! SO UNHAPPY! WILL THERE BE ANY END TO THIS? It's a mix of Jeffy and just wanting to die. No, let me correct myself. I just want out. No Jeffy thoughts. I got a little bit of love agitation with him this morning, so I immediately got out of bed and headed for the shower. I thought spending a good amount of time underneath the water washing my body and shampooing my hair would erase how I was feeling, and for a slight time while I was watching Martha's show that was pre-recorded in the Bahamas I was fine, but now I'm back to feeling so MESSED UP. I didn't get a second call back! Yay. I told God I was sorry because I was playing boss for a second, thinking I'd be fully capable of handling a job when he knew better. The routine is that when it's nighttime at my parents house I stay up all night, running back and forth between rooms 'cause I can't sleep. I always tip-toe when I come to the kitchen 'cause it's above where my mummy and daddy sleep and in the morning she'll say to me, "I heard footsteps all night!" Now imagine how I'd do without sleep when my parents are forcing me to take the three buses to get to and from work and I'd have to leave the house three hours before my shift actually started? I already know how much of a wreck I am mentally when I've gotten no sleep and I don't have to do anything special with my day. Now put a job, a huge responsibility on me and on top of that, listening to my parent's non-stop scolding and see how I'd manage. Everytime I get scolded I'm like, f***! Why can't we all just get along! Just accept me the way I am! It eats me up mentally. I'm like, My God! There's nothing that can please these two pricks, yes??? Always, "do this! Don't be like this! Don't do this! Be more like this!!!" "Why are you like this?" "You're scaring us!" "Your attitude stinks! Get a new one!" OY VEY! And I've got to spend an entire week with them coming up? How will I ever manage? I'm scared. I remember my mom and I spent a week together in the same location we're going to be going to and I thought, ooh, this will be fun, just me and mommy. But by the end of our stay I was ready to kill her. Ha-ha. That's funny. But really, I don't know. I don't want to stay home 'cause my brother's going. I want to be with him. My parents are always happy with him 'cause he's progressing in a way that pleases them, but I'm not. Oh WELL, SOMEONE'S GOT TO BE THE RUNT SOMETIME. AnyWAY, back to the job thing, now I've learned my lesson. I'm not going to go out of my way looking for a job. I'll still look through the Press classifieds whenever I'm at their house though. I'm just curious. I want to stop feeling horrible. I want to be shiny girl, not super girl. I wish God could make me into a shiny, healthy girl, Jeffy's admired trophy girl. I want to belong to him. It just HURTS LIKE HELL 'cause I'm stuck in a place I want to say goodbye to so bad:earth. Like I said, even if I moved to the Caribbean I'd still be unhappy; I was that way when I went down last year with my mum and my brother. Even the warm weather, which I love, the palm trees, which I love love, and the beach, which is better than the northeast beaches (I won't go into a northeast beach because the water looks dirty and bodies are always washing up in the most unusual of places. Litter. Yuch!) couldn't keep me happy for long. I'd eventually go back to being a tormented soul. I am in torment right now and God likes seeing me this way. What you say? You don't? Then do SOMETHING! Don't tell me being the way I am is part of your plan for me! That's nonsense! I want to be a happy, shiny girl, not a tormented girl. God, won't you just help me? When is your timetable for my life going to say, "okay, let's take her to a better place?" God, I'm TIRED, TIRED, SO TIRED of being this way. Look, I stopped reading your word 'cause it was no use. I'm going through much more than your word talks about. I feel like I'm a raging lunatic inside sometimes. All the biblical lunatics you healed are now with you. When is this crazy girl, who you refuse to heal, going to be your best girl? Look, for some reason I can't take my life, so I just sit here enduring. I can't be crazy girl and super girl at the same time! Plus the Jeffy shit?  Well, that falls under crazy. Still, who do you think I am? Who the hell do you want me to be? It's taking a real toll on me, you know. Everything is. I don't cook for myself, I just buy or eat scraps I find. My mom says "what scraps?" I consider any meal that doesn't consist of hearty portions of protein, vegetable and carb, scraps. So all the Slim Fast and Special K products I'm hoarding are scraps, even though they have nutrients in them. It's not what you'd sit down to on a Sunday evening. I don't feel jovial, so I shouldn't be fat. I should be as skinny as Amy Winehouse. I should be turning to drugs like she does to escape my problems. But then I'd be constantly thinking, I'm destroying myself and my talent. How will I ever get clean? Mental illness I CAN'T CONTROL, drugs I CAN. Yeah I can control mental illness with drugs, but I'm among the other 30% medicine doesn't work for. I'm socially awkward, such a recluse, so introverted. Sigh. So? God has blessed me in a cursed kind of way. I will be like this until I die, unless my sweaty, tattooed fingers happen upon a loaded gun. Then I'll be constantly thinking 'bout pulling the trigger and ending a life that shouldn't have begun in the first place.