One of Steven Curtis Chapman's children died over the weekend. I just heard it on the Christian station. My mom said when we hear of tragedies like this we should be praying for the family, but I just feel pains of jealousy running through me knowing she's in heaven and I still have to put up with human beings-related to me or not-on this side of eternity. Okay, okay, thinking positive, remember? Yesterday my parents and I went to the Brooklyn Tabernacle again 'cause Dr. Tony Evans was speaking. I've heard him preach before-over the radio-and at first I was like, oh nah, he can be so loud. But I was drawn in and in tune with every word he was saying, although he lost me sometimes when he would draw similarities. He was talking about confronting the "Goliath" in your life, something that brings you down or you get deeply discouraged over. Something that just disturbs your life. My Goliath is mental illness. Oh, I'll be so glad when I'm through! Tony himself said whatever you're going through isn't going to vanish entirely but it would be controlled considerably. His sermon was real good. Afterwards we ate at the BBQ place. My mom wanted to cross the bridge because of it's birthday celebration-I wanted to look through that giant telescope where you could see England on the other side-but it was getting late and as a result didn't go. I'm trying to be positive, trying not to tell God how much I want to die 'cause he knows already and obsessing over it like I used to do will sink me into a deep depression. When I get with Jeff I just tell him how much I love him and NEED him and hopefully God would be listening and get the hint. After the service last night, when I couldn't sleep yet AGAIN, in bed I told God if Jeff was part of the problem to get him out of my life and replace him with some really cool friends. But soon I was kissing all over him-I couldn't help it, he is so drop-dead gorgeous, still something else about him I can't pinpoint-so I thought God didn't think he was a problem or a threat to me. It's just Jeff. How harmful could he be? Wait-let me tell you! Anyway, I'm just really afraid what my mood is going to be like when I go back home to live with MYSELF. I'm upbeat now, like really hungry and a bit nervous because I didn't sleep, but really cheerful when I get in the bed with Jeff, but when I get back home I don't want to go back to starving myself and crying and cutting. I know I'm already a member of a big church, and I really don't like mega churches, but I was going to start trekking over to Brooklyn to attend the 3:30 services. That's when all the fun stuff seems to take place, at 3:30. Even if nothing is planned, there's still the choir, and they're GREAT everytime they sing. There's so many new and interesting songs they sing every time I show up. Well, it's new to me. I wouldn't mind having such a send off at my funeral. Okay, no death, no death talk. Wrong. Okay. Let's try to stay on track here. BUT IT'S HARD, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'VE BEEN ONE WRONG WAY YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
3 comments on Bestow upon me strength...and death?
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I really liked this post! I'm glad you got to go hear Dr. Tony Evans and spend some real positive time listening to his positively inspirational speaking. You ought to see if you can get him on tape or write down some of the things he said that impressed you...so, maybe at times when you are feeling down, you can listen to him or read those inspirational notes you wrote down. If you reach for something to cut yourself with, reach for the tape or the paper instead. You don't want to eat? Read or listen to him and grab something to eat anyway while you're reading or listening.
The food part sounded yummy because I love BBQ's, so I know I would have enjoyed myself there. Hey, when it comes to food, you can always think of me! And, when you're not feeling like eating, then pretend you're me and know that I want to eat it...so take some bites for me! Ok?
Now, you talked about the choir...and how much you like them. Is there any chance that you could become connected with the choir? If you can sing well enough, maybe you could sing with them? Oh, how moving that would be! To be a part of something so wonderful...you know it's wonderful because you know how enjoying and inspirational and how beautiful it is...oh, that could be so good for you! You don't think you can sing or make all the rehearsals? Then, maybe there's something else that you can do...music sometimes needs copying or sorting...garments need repairing or measuring...chairs sometimes need setting up or taking down...refreshments sometimes need serving...members sometimes need assistance. Couldn't you maybe just talk to somebody to find out? I have a sneaking suspicion you would be an asset to the choir...and I believe it would all be so good for you. Yeah, you'd meet different people and you'd be doing something so rewarding. Think about it for a bit, but before you come up with anything that will be a "no" or "I can't" answer, either try it anyway or find another choir that's either closer or easier to get to or join. But, start with the one you already like so much...after all, you plan to attend and will be there rather regularly anyway.
I hope you continue to have fun, to do things that make you feel better and optimistic, and not give up on yourself or life. Read my post about my father..."My Dad Turned 77"... because you will see that people really can live with things and beat some odds. What you have is an illness and all illnesses "do things" to people...and people live with those illnesses every day. If you really, really REALLY KNOW that your problems and your depressions and your bad thoughts are REALLY your ILLNESS and not REALLY YOU, then you can say (and mean it!) that "my illness is making me do this, not me! I, the person, would not think this way or feel this way so I am not going to let the illness make me ill today! I'm going to smile anyway...I'm going to sing and listen to music and drink my tea. I am going to church to hear the choir, I am going to the drop in center, I am GOING TO BE HEALTHY AND HAPPY TODAY, so get out of my way! No, I won't listen to thoughts of death! No, I won't think about bad things. No, I won't cut my skin or listen to whatever is making me want to. I AM GOING TO LISTEN TO SOMETHING ELSE and that is the part of me that wants me to SMILE and to READ and to HEAR MUSIC and to FEEL GOOD!"
I'm glad you posted again...and I'm glad you posted this one...it really is a good post and I'm so happy that I got to read it.
*gulp* a bad post is following this one. it's just the way I felt at the church barbeque on Monday. hope you understand.
Well, I haven't read the next post (the one you say is a bad post) yet. I hope it was just the way you felt and that you can get back to this more positive way of feeling and thinking like in this post. We all have bad days, bad moments, bad thoughts...what's needed is for us to "bounce back". So, while I am reading your next post, try to be bouncing back.