counting down the clock

I'm staying in today and maybe tomorrow. I guess there's nothing to do but lallygag and read a magazine that if the editors found out I was reading would call me horrible names. I could be doing so much in another world but God chooses to keep me here. I hate it.

It's just hard when your folks say there's nothing wrong with you, but you know there is but you don't know exactly what it is. I've been out of work for nearly eight years and some people think I'm more than capable of holding down a job. Some just go with what they hear but are unable to fully understand because really, they just want to get paid or, when most people show up at their office, a physical disability is what they most likely have, not a serious mental one. And I bet a person with a physical disability is much easier and favorable to work with than a person with a mental problem. So the staff, in dealing with mostly physical cases don't know how to quite help someone who's suffering mentally. Personally, they don't have the experience. You can't treat us the same. Yeah, we both have a disability but sometimes mental sufferers need the special attention and care that other people with disabilities get. At least I do. But I can't get it from anybody down here. Although they might be sincere like, I care about you or whatever, my brain won't be able to recognize it. I so need God to give everything, love and everything a spirit posesses to me. I've been waiting for so long. I'm like, agonizing right now. What am I going to do with the rest of my day? Just lay on the couch maybe. I've been out of work for a long time and I've got a serious illness. I just can't go back to work like, no problem! I keep thinking I'm going to be like, so much has changed since 2001! I can't take it! Then drop out like I do when I'm tired of school. My dad just thinks I give up jobs because I what-enjoy it? But there's something deep inside of me that can't cope, that can't do the job anymore, that just gets fed up. I can't be the type of person that says to myself, stick with it Samantha, 'cause you need the money. At my last job I was getting with tips included what I thought for a single person with no responsibilities was a lot of money. But it was like my illness was eating away at me. Now, even though I'm on meds I feel incapable of holding down a job. I'm trying to have all the patience that God would want me to have in order for him to work with me, but look, people are getting real impatient with me not working. I've had patience for almost what, ten years God? What are YOU working on?

God, I love him. You know my situation. You know what I was pouring out to you this morning without even opening my mouth. I was telling you a whole lot, of what I wanted to do physically with him and spiritually. Did I mention spiritual? God, I wanted to have him physically before I die! I was like to you groaning, oh I just want to feel him inside of me! I just want him to experience and look at what I've got right here! God, the library just called. The book I ordered is here! It's by Danielle Steele, about her son who committed suicide. God, I hope she makes it sound interesting and not depressing! Ken Steele is dead. Now I'm reading a book who's main subject is no longer with us? I don't think I'll be able to take it!!! I'll just be stuck inside reading a depressing book surrounded by things I could use to end my own life! Well, I wish he were alive so I could pray for him. God, I'm really struggling, with Jeff, all over! Should I get this book? Oh, whatever. God, could I just be with Jeff? I love him! You don't know how much I love him! Oh, I wish it was today I'd be with him! God, I need that soul. I think I...did I have a dream we were together? No, I think I was just thinking that this morning. God, please??????????? I NEED to be with Jeffy's soul right now! He's so perfect, so happy, so smiling, I want to be his forever wifey. God, could you please make it happen? Quick? Of COURSE NOT!!!! I'm here to stay, right? It's so not what I want!