For some reason I don't like my therapist anymore. We had a lot to talk about in the beginning, we were cool, but now I just have so much loathing for her. I call her an "airhead" with a degree. She talks great, she dresses great, the typical young, white, middle class person that wants to help people with her head knowledge but really knows nothing about what a real struggle is, collecting cans, like what our family did when I was little, or waiting for welfare and food stamps which is what I did on and off as an adult. Today she got all pissy at me because I just had to use twelve minutes of our ever-so-precious time to write this:
So there's this Catholic church not too far from where I live called Saint Aedan's and they have these two banners that read "We love you, Pope Benedict!" and some blah blah underneath like, "through hope we were saved" which should be, "through salvation we were saved" or something like that. But anyway, I felt like defacing the both of them, crossing out love and spray painting HATE where everyone could see, a pretty darned good, laughable idea. But I can't. I wish I damn could, but well, everything is internal right now...
I wish I could take part in the TriBeCa Film Festival just like I wish I could take part of Urbanworld when it shows up each year. Every year I go to Urbanworld's website and view the titles of all the films, but I haven't got the money to see like, movie after movie. I know there are people my age that just sit in the house like I do all day, but they've got tons of money up the ass to spend, so when events like TriBeCa and Urbanworld come up every year, they start calling people they know and invite them to go to movies with them. That is a grand life, movies, nachos and popcorn. Oh, and friends to share everything with. It doesn't work that way with me. I have nobody and I have no money. The internet is free (well, I pay for the connection but it's like it's free, I don't know), so all I can afford to do is go to these film festival websites and click on the films I want to know more about, then wish and daydream that I had lots of money to see every film on my list. Having no money really sucks, and these commercials for the film festivals just add salt to my money hungry wounds. I know I'm unable to work because my condition has gotten worse since 2001, when I was first diagnosed. Then, for the early part of the year I wasn't on any meds and I thought things were so-so. Now, if I went off my meds I'd be dead within a week. I don't know if getting a job will help me. I'd probably quit because I couldn't handle it, going back for the first time in eight years. What is this! I can't get used to this! This is strange! No way! I also can't handle stress AT ALL. That's part of my condition that has gotten worse over the years. There is no mild stress for me. It begins with deep stress. Deep stress leads to depression. Depression leads to suicidal thinking and cutting. That's how it goes with me. Maybe I should tell my job developer this. She thinks I'm normal. But then I'll get a job that is mundane and boring. See? You can't win with me. I'm a very hard to understand, complicated girl, as complicated as they get.
6 comments on ella smorgasboard
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You are sounding better today. I was just thinking about something, so maybe you can answer me...do you live anywhere near a library? Is there one that's close by or that would be easy for you to get to?
Anyway, yeah, I know it's the Pope's birthday. A birthday can be a wonderful thing to celebrate, no matter who the person is...not just because he's the pope. It's nice that he's having a birthday but his being born is no different than anybody else being born, so I don't think people should celebrate his birthday any different than they would celebrate somebody else's or their own. What do you think?
yeah, I don't think they should be treating him any different...but then again, he is the pope. I wish I could get such a lavish spread like he did. I live near a library. Its about five blocks away. Why?
I asked about the library because libraries have movies on DVD's (and maybe some still on VHS). I don't know if you have a DVD player or a VCR, but if you have one or can get one, you can borrow movies from the library for FREE! Sometimes you can only keep them for a couple of days, but that's enough time to watch a movie and return it, so it's a pretty good deal.
If it's a good library, sometimes they have DVD players and/or VCR's right there at the library, so you could even watch the movies right there if that library has the equipment. You could even ask if they let people take the equipment home, but that's not so common.
Anyway, that's why I asked about the library. I thought it might be a way for you to catch up on seeing some movies.
at my library you have to pay $3 for a movie. it's non-refundable.
Oh, that's too bad. I didn't realize that. Well, I thought that might be a helpful suggestion, but it's not a perfect one, is it? (When you do have a little extra money, I guess you could still get a movie this way, though. That must be a heck of a lot cheaper than what it costs to go see a movie in a cinema.)
I have HBO, so when I feel like it I turn. I've seen all I'm interested in that the library holds. Their movies are so lame (got to keep it at least pg-13 for the kids.) I pay over $145 for my cable every month, might as well put it to use.