After the Fact

I was just sitting on the floor of my bedroom, upset and disappointed in myself because I couldn't become a track star in high school. Because I went to that special high school, and because it took a long time to get to the town in which I lived and the high school was after school, I was never in attendance when coach had to meet with the girls about important stuff, and I was always late for practice. It just wasn't a good idea. But I persevered, and for what? It was all a waste. I didn't come close to making varsity, and wow, that's what I wanted, to have a jacket like the rest of the jocks and jockettes. Was Justin Gaitlin's time in the 200 a 22 or 20? Mine was a 28. whatever all the time. I tried so hard, and thought I would be the fastest, but there was always someone chomping at my heels that would eventually pass me and leave me in the dust. I remember I was running the 400 and was in the lead. I turned my head around to see if anybody was gaining on me and there was a girl not to far away, I mean she was close to passing me. But I ended up winning it, one of the very few meets I would win. I came in first in the 4x100 relay at an invitational, but it was just a scrimmage so that didn't count towards making varsity. My brother went to the high school that I should've gone to, and he ended up making varsity. He came home with his letter and I was so jealous. This is what I was after, but for those four years, not making varsity, not going to the prom at either high school, I should've ended it just like Kurt Cobain did. I wouldn't have cared if I went to hell. It would've been better than staying on earth and being an utter failure. God, I wish I had the deadliest gun in my hand right now. I'd show God who's boss. I was so nervous as I approached Anthony's hospital room today, and I pointed to the door like, "Can I come in?" I thought he might flip me the finger. But he welcomed me in. We got to talking, and the only thing I told him about what I went through afterwards with cops was that skinny Anthony was in jail. Nothing about me helping the cops in their investigation. It turned out he was never angry at me; he thought I was the one that was pissed at him! I said no I wasn't, and couldn't further explain myself, so I just told him I was sorry if he got the impression that I had an attitude. I stayed there for an hour, and when he began to fall asleep from the pain medication the nurse had given him I decided it was time to go and let him rest. I gave him my number though, and he asked me to tell the super if he could clean up all the blood from the apartment because he didn't want to see that coming back. I told him I'd call him that night and tell him what the super said. And then when I called my brother, he asked me if I wanted a rabbit. I couldn't believe he was offering me an animal! I asked him could I think about it? He said yes but hurry up. I pretty much made up my mind(yes)! so when I come back from exercising I'll give him a call. I just have to do some research on the net about what they eat and exercise and stuff like that. Oh, I can't wait! I hope getting this rabbit will take my mind of what I'm thinking about now in excess, my disappointing teen years.