Faith and I Don't Give a S#!t

I really don't give a fuck now. I'm smoking cigarettes now like I said I was going to do in the past, last night I couldn't sleep and watched television until 5 a.m. I'm listening to heavy rock now, like that
I don't give a shit attitude kind of music; last night when I was up I downloaded a whole slew of music from Le Tigre and this band I found out about on Carson that night, FLYLEAF. I was writing in caps in my journal; so hard I was ripping the paper. I figure I'm going to drive myself insane one night and die of a heart attack. They'll all be like, "a heart attack, at her age? WOW." Then on the autopsy slab my brain will be taken out, examined later, and the report would come back that I was really messed up, so critical that it was a miracle I stayed alive as long as I did. Last night I swear I wanted to buy the sleeping pills, in fact I wanted to steal them because I didn't have the $13.99; I wanted to die so bad. I wonder what happens if I were to take just regular prescription pills I have. Will I die this time or will I just become discombobulated like I was the last time I overdosed? I know I'm in no shape to work. I am REALLY beyond the point of repair; God with all His power couldn't even put me back together. After I became a member of the church I called asking to see a Christian therapist, and I think I might be able to see one now, finally. But I'm kind of hesitant to call her; I mean, yeah, she's a Christian and all, and that's what I want, but she's married for one, which I HATE. Also, if she's never been through the similar amount of stuff I've been through, how will she be able to understand? She's just going to give me head knowledge? I don't need that. I need someone who's been THERE, who can say, "yeah, I know what you're going through because..." The lady I'm seeing now is secular but she's single(as far as I know), so I can deal with her. But like I said before, when the issue of my faith comes up, I'm hesitant to discuss it with her 'cause she won't know what I mean. Great. I've got a phone number to a counselor that would bee in my best interest to call, but I don't want to call her. Trying to locate a Christian therapist is something I've been working on and off for a year, and now that I've gotten halfway there successfully now, I don't want to pursue it any further. I don't know what I'm going to do. I mean, if I really felt like buying the pills last night, then there's a possibility that I might try again, no matter how much I feel that that might be an eternal mistake. I KNOW when I've had my limits, and God says He understands? If He did understand, then there wouldn't have been an overdose last year. If He knew my limits, I would've been gone before that even happened. I don't believe He understands, I don't believe He loves. I might as well kill myself 'cause He'll never come to my rescue.