Getting over Defcon

Sometimes when I'm talking to my therapist like I did today, I have trouble talking to her about God because she's a non practicing Catholic. She's not born again like me. She doesn't believe in accepting Jesus into your life like do (in retrospect, if I knew my life was going to turn out this way I would have never accepted him into my heart, I don't care if that meant eternity in hell). So today, there were times when I wanted to bring up my feelings about God, but I had to back down because she doesn't know what it's like to be a christian. There are born again Christians that are so happy all the time, high on life, high on God. It seems nothing gets them down, and if something does, they're over it by the end of the day. In the earlier years of my faith God was there for me all the time, and I remember I would ask Him all the time when I was going to die. I'd never get a response to that question. I can't BELIEVE that I'm still alive, going through all this unnecessary pain. I should be high on Jesus like every other Christian. She doesn't know about my faith, but to start having a positive mood bring a notebook to church and write down things like verses and scripture readings and stuff. A Catholic who has probably never stepped foot into a Protestant church is telling me what I see everybody else around me doing:writing notes. How and what does she know about taking notes during church? I've never seen a Catholic writing down notes during mass. Does the priest even encourage bible reading at home? I've never seen a Catholic get into the Bible like Protestants do. They just chant prayers in front of statues of saints. How can worshipping a statue of Mary in your front yard and being a good person get you into heaven? I believe it can't. Once you become born again, yes, you're encouraged to do good works. But just doing that solely can't get you into heaven. Since my therapist and I believe separate things, I was trying to get a Christian therapist to help me, one that understands and lives the same faith that I do, and can identify with some of the problems I've experienced. I've tried twice to see if I could get one, one time about four years ago and the latest last year. But every time I try, I get rejected. Most of the locations in New York they listed were affluent sections; I could tell by the address. Then I put two and two together and knew that they would not accept medicaid or medicare. Are you kidding? At those locations, they want the green, and only the green. There was a location in Jersey City, but they moved, and I stopped by the company that replaced it and asked for help, but I got nowhere. God didn't want to help me. That's three times now I've tried to see if I could get a Christian therapist, not Catholic but born again. See, God doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about my well being. I tried on my own to get somewhere but he couldn't meet me halfway. I really don't know where my life is headed. No direction, no help from Jesus, no love from him, no love from Jeff. What am I to do? There's nothing else I can do but wait to see what He's going to do next, all the while screaming and crying because shit is so painful.