God: cursed individual or cursed mother, take your pick

My mom gets angry 'cause all I do is type on the computer. Uh, mom, this IS my life. Writing is my life. It's all I have been blessed to do. Nothing else. If it's something I can't type up on here, then I run to Word and type it. I do this every day, sometimes several times a day, it depends on how active my brain is with thoughts. My parents think I should be holding down a full-time, 9-5 kind of job. Oh no, hell no. I wasn't put on this earth to be like everybody else. I'm special. Well, if it was something that I liked doing, which is NOTHING, fine. HCCC already came out with the fall 2008 course catalog and I've been looking it over. I wanted to get up to Eng113 or 210 because it seems very embarrasing and unacceptable for a person who likes to write to only have Eng101 under her belt. I should be up to Journalism (113) or Creative Writing (210). I haven't even completed 102. I want to do that, but I don't know if I can handle it with the way I'm feeling. Right now I want to see how deep I can cut but it's day time and everyone's awake. If I'm at my parent's, I do it at night when everyone's asleep. When I'm at my place I do it whenever 'cause I never have company. Yeah, when I'm here at my parent's house I scowl whenever my mom gives me a chore to do. She finds housework enjoyable. She'll attack something that doesn't need touching. It's like, if it ain't broke, why fix it? I hate chores. My pad ain't Kim and Aggie material, oh hell no, but I don't make it my daily objective to scrub, clean, dust and do stuff that's better enough left untouched for the time being. It doesn't make me happy to clean, it doesn't make me feel good, well yeah if I occasionally do it I feel if someone were to come over they wouldn't be looking at grime and dust accumulating. But I don't get obsessive like my mum does every Sunday afternoon it seems. If the house is too big to clean, I say to her, get a maid. But she says she likes to do it herself. Then she should move to a smaller house. If I had a house I'd get help to clean. I'm not in the daily mood to clean and scrub. I do it now 'cause I have to, but if I was so pretty, flawless and glamourous and didn't want to get my manicure ruined, all like Kathie Lee Gifford is but will never be for me, I'd get help. If I had a house I'd think I'd let it get out of control dirty like a Kim and Aggie house. A house is big. At my place I just lift a finger here and there. If something always gets too dirty too fast, I'll give up. I'm all about giving up, in life, at home.

If I ever killed myself I'd be sending a message to my parents: you never bring kids into the world just because you wanna. You think, if I were to have a child, would it grow up to be happy and healthy? I'm not happy and not healthy. My half-sister on my dad's side has a mental illness, my maternal grandmother is bigger than I am but she doesn't have diabetes. Somewhere on my dad's side someone is real messed up mentally and physically. If not, then God chose me out of everybody on both sides to be ugly inside and out, and for that I do not want to spend eternity with him. If my mom married another Caribbean gentleman, then I probably wouldn't get diabetes. Caribbean people are for the most part, very healthy. They get like, hypertension like my grandma has, but nothing really scary. I bet there are some with scary situations, but it's relatively small compared with the problems that Americans have. Because my dad is African American, he passed on to me some of the troubles that A.A. people deal with. I mean, on the news every week doctors and health officials come up with another health problem/study where A.A.'s are at a disadvantage than their white counterparts. If my dad had been Caribbean, there would've been a chance that I would've been a pure child. No mental problems that turned into a horrible, physical situation. Just a pure child who may have been a little emotional, but nothing to have to be locked up or put on high dosages of meds over. Women where I live just have kids like it's nothing. OOPS, this nigga done got me knocked up. Guess I'm going to lay back and have his baby. I LOATHE pregnant women. Look what we're going through economically. Now is not the time for a kid. Stupid bitches. Not thinking! How is the present economical situation going to affect you and the baby in the long run? There are options! Wear a condom. If it broke, have an abortion. If you don't believe in that, well you're screwed. You can give up the ragweed for adoption, but damn, if I was going through nine months of hell I'd want to at least keep the outcome of all those agonizing days I spent hanging over the toliet. I wanted a baby girl so I could name her Kitty-Scout, but because of the way I am, where I presently live, my educational level, where I am on the socio-economical ladder, my transportation situation ('cause I ain't hopping the bus with no baby stroller), and maybe more, I am the worst candidate to become a mother. There might be some DYFS interventions because too many times I just closed the baby's door and put on headphones when the baby kept on crying. I'd try not to be that kind of mother, 'cause with a name like Kitty-Scout, she would be royalty in my heart. Always spoiled, and I wouldn't force her to do CHORES, MOM, unless she wanted to give me a hand. I would allow her to raise her voice to me to express her disapointment and disdain with whatever it was she had a problem with. I was never allowed to raise my voice with these niggers that are my parents. I would scout out the perfect sperm donor for my baby, and niggers would be off my list. That's not who most women want to father a child, well the white ones anyway. My man would either be light-skinned biracial or white, German or Italian ancestry. Jeff was German. Two of my cousins are half Italian and I'm JEALOUS! Oh, I get angry, and when I get angry I get racial and harbor so much hate towards people, so I don't think I'd want to pass that on to my child. Some children of mentally ill parents turn out okay, others are not so lucky. That's a RISK I won't take. I want my Kitty-Scout, but because of my mental health having a baby is a NO. For that reason I hate being a woman, hate having to bleed every month. I just want to cut me open and throw my ovaries into the garbage. It's bin material, not baby material. The only thing I'd look forward to in having a baby would be to see if she has the gift like I do. Oh, I'd celebrate it just like I'd celebrate her period when it arrived (her views on bleeding may be different than mine). I'd try to get her to love writing and hopefully make a career out of it. But still, the bad conditions surrounding my life would outweigh the good instances having a baby girl of my own would bring. Sorry, Kitty. You will remain alive in my dreams but never in the flesh.