God, It's Me, Your Troubled Soul

God, I was going to tell you that I don't feel safe living alone anymore. Today I wrote my second suicide note. It really wasn't as straight forward as the first one, but I still hinted that something might go down. God, I don't like it when I feel this way. My second suicide note! I'll keep on writing them until I really go through with it. I'm here at my family's house now, and since I like it down here, I'm deciding to stay a while while I look around for a seasonal job. Since I have a little, tiny history with Macy's(I worked at the Herald Square location for a month), I'm going to try to get a job there. I know I said I'd never go back to retail, but it's Macy's, so I think I'll be able to do it. I just worry about myself and whether I'll be able to make it. I wish I could just be gone and sit up there with you, Jeff and Steven. Tonight I want Steven especially. I don't understand why it was his time to go, Jeff's time to go and I still have to stay here. I'm really not doing anything with my life. For some reason you want me down here. I really don't see what the big deal is. I'm just a SBF. There are others that are probably just like me you can use. God, this is a real emergency. You know I'm capable of writing a third letter. I feel like I could be on the verge of that soon. God, I don't understand why you won't take me. Use another SBF. I'm nobody special.