God, I Need a Change ... Death ... Something!

God, I am in serious pain. Why is this happening to me? God, I’m hurting really bad. I’m really upset. The whole thing about trying to get a man by dressing provocatively didn’t work. I feel like I’ll never get a guy. I’m so hesitant to say I have no feelings for Jeff anymore because I’ve said that in the past and the feelings came back. But the way things happened, Jeff disappearing without a trace in the middle of the night, something’s up. I’d really like to know where he went. God, I’m sick and tired of feeling the way I do. I thought these days of feeling really bad were over. Why does this have to happen to me? I managed to eat my dinner, but before and after I ate I would just close my eyes, bow my head and clench my teeth. God, why won’t you come to my rescue and help me? I don’t understand why you continue to treat me this way. Look, I have no Jeff now; I have NOBODY. I don’t have any friends, and they were just saying on the news that friendships equal longer lives. All the stuff I’m subjecting my body to, I’ll probably won’t make it out of my thirties. It’s just grief and pain and my body is suppressed and my brain oppressed when I feel that way. It equals to an early grave, and I don’t care if I’m headed in that direction. Only immediate family says they love me. That’s not enough for me, not even your love for me Lord, is going to be enough. Even if you were to give me all your love, I’d still be wanting the love and companionship of a man. You can’t come down here and talk to me over a cup of tea. You can’t watch TV with me. And you can’t make love to me. How is this all going to work out? Are you going to give me somebody else or are you saving me all for yourself? I was just saying in the bathroom that even if I was with a guy I’d probably be comparing him to Jeff, saying, oh would Jeff be doing this to me? Would he be doing that? Then I said, “you know, I don’t if I was with a guy would I be thinking of Jeff. I’d probably be so thrilled to be with him I’d probably be thinking only of him.” But then I was like, well I don’t know after a couple years of being with the guy would I start to think about Jeff again. See? God, I don’t know what my future is going to be like. I don’t understand why I have to deal with pain in my life continuously. When are you going to say enough is enough?