Hopeful in the End

I just saw a roach run across my computer table(ewww). I still haven't killed it. I'm running back to my room to get my slippers. This is really disgusting. Someone is like, shoveling snow at 5:33 in the morning. Who is this? Is it my super? Let me look. Yeah, it's him. But it's Saturday. Why does he have to do it so early? I guess before morning hits and cars keep coming in and out. I'm tempted so many times to download a Beyonce song, but I really don't like her. Everytime I see her, she's on the cover of some magazine. She's getting too much exposure. She's like Oprah; she needs to be stopped. When I die and see God, it's going to be so emotional for me. I'll probably fall to the floor(if there is a floor), and sob uncontrollably. Looking at his face, I'm just going to want to know how a loving God could treat somebody the way he'd been treating me. I'd want to know, was it because of the tattoo? Or was this part of some big test? I almost failed it, you know. I was just like, no more! And did what I did. I know I said how I was like, going to fly into a rage and cuss and scream and shout at him, but I couldn't do that. He wouldn't allow me. Someone was saying, just looking at his face, things will be understood and questions will be answered. He wouldn't even have to open his mouth. I don't know if that's true, but with me, he's going to have to talk. He's just going to have to explain himself, say something. There are so many questions...I won't say them all, and then I'd want to know about all the times I was talking to him about my life and thinking I was making perfect sense, that there was no way he could counteract what I was saying. Was he even listening to me? What was he thinking? How come he couldn't at least tell me he understood? No, if he did say that he understood, then my next question would be,"why didn't you do anything to help me?"When I say how much I'm going to scream and shout at God, I'm just so angry and frustrated with him. Nobody deserves to be treated the way I'm being treated, Christian or non-Christian. I don't care what the reason is. It's just so painful! I mean, I'm desperate for someone to treat me right, to love me forever and ever, to care and to UNDERSTAND. God hasn't told me once he understands what I'm going through. He hasn't told me he loves me. I said I couldn't live in this state. That's why I tried to off myself. I was just so FED UP. Today I'm calm, but there is going to be yet another day when I'm ranting and raving, and I wish that day would never come. I'm so sick of being angry, sick of being sad, so sick of being depressed. This crap has gone on for so long, I know the place where I'm going to find love and happiness finally isn't going to be down here, or is it? God would've pieced me together already if he wanted me to find love and happiness down here. I mean, I don't want it down here. It's not going to last down here. This is earth. Nothing lasts down here. If there was no such person as Jeffrey Dahmer, maybe I'd be able to stay down here and endure. But because he's gone(a long time now, I can't believe it's been twelve years) and I love him like, more than this galaxy, so much, I really don't want to stay down here. I kiss him, he makes me cry, I caress him, pound my fist, scream how much I love and need him. No, I know I can't stay down here. Hopefully what I was sent down here to do will end; I really can't imagine spending another year down here. I'm just weak and torn inside. I just have this feeling God won't heal me until I die. I really hope that's true.