Hopelessly in a Hurting State of Mind

Where I live, there are two christian radio stations that I listen to sometimes. At 7:30 pm, a pastor from Harlem comes on. His church is Pentecostal based, and I've been there on one occasion. With God's power, he is able to heal people who have problems. It's called "deliverance." I went to the church one evening 'cause I thought God would heal me. I had hope. I had faith. I am saved. But something went wrong, and me and the two other people weren't called up or anything. The stuff they had me doing in that church was unbelievable. They made me get up out my seat and walk around shouting at the top of my lungs, "Glory to God! Hallelujah! Praise Him!" and stuff like that. Then they wanted me to speak in tongues, but I don't have that gift. I think the pastor thought that all that shouting that we were doing was going to get us healed, by His mercy. I don't ever get that way when I'm doing my devotions. In fact, I gave away my devotional for this month because I thought I didn't need it anymore. Why pray? Why do my devotions? God doesn't care. They say he loves us and understands us more than we know. I think that's false. Why then, am I still going through what I'm going through? What reason is this holding? I knew God wanted Jeff from the beginning, from what I know about him, I could see how much God loved him and wanted him. But me, HELL NO! He doesn't see my pain and say, 'Don't be down, Sam, I'll give you some help." I live by myself and I have a mental illness. That's a big struggle. Most people I know who are mentally ill live in residences or with family because they just aren't able to handle such a big responsibility plus manage their illness. The way I carry on with my parents when I'm at their house is different from they way I carry myself when I'm home alone. I cry every week, I scream, I'm constantly talking to myself. One night I was on the hardwood floor in my bedroom crying because I wanted to be with Jeff so much. Couldn't God heal me? Couldn't he take me? Couldn't he have said, "Oh Sam, I know you're going through so much and living by yourself is hard, and you're trying so hard despite your illness and everything else, you're trying to keep your faith in me, and I think with all that, it's time that I take you to be with me." He doesn't give me any support, he doesn't talk to me, nothing. I can't talk to my mom about my problems with God, let alone how sick I am. The only struggles she knows is financial. My immediate and extended family never had to deal with severe mental health issues, I know that as a fact. They were never put into the resource room as a child because they were slow, they never had to go to a special school for emotionally disturbed kids. I enrolled and withdrew from college so many times, and I only completed one year, from age 18 to 30. I've finally decided that school is not for me, and I'm not going to attempt it again. It's one of those "been there, done that" sort of thing. Anyway, this would be the second time I've been to a church to be delivered, and it didn't work both times I was at those churches. So God is basically saying to me, "Fuck you, you mean nothing to me." Fine! I don't know how that meeting to become a member of the church I've been attending is going to go tomorrow, but I know I'm going to be lying my way through the whole thing. I'm committing adultery. God should just strike me down as soon as I enter the thing. Or maybe somebody'll push me onto the subway tracks on my way back home. Jeff never went through the stuff I'm going through now, and he got death. For what? What pain and hurt did he go through? Yeah he was in jail and he wanted to die, and guess what? God gave him EXACTLY what he wanted. I've been screwed up ever since I started kindergarten. God couldn't see all the stuff I was going to go through and say, "You know what, I'm not going to create Samantha." "I'll save her from LIFE." When I got sick with pneumonia when I was a kid, God couldn't say, "okay little girl, I'm going to take you because this world is going to be just to harsh towards you, and you're going to be going through added difficulty." When I was a teen and I was overdosing for the fun of it, I should've took things seriously and killed myself. I wasn't saved then, so I don't know where I would've gone after I died. But I would've been saving myself from all this stuff I'd be going through in the future. All the stuff that Jeff did and he was only given one medication for depression while he was in prison. I was on three psychotropic meds, and I didn't kill anybody. That so doesn't make any sense. I should've been dead a long time ago. and I don't care if that meant I would've never discovered Jeff. That would've been a good thing.