i swear no more sex

Last night I was fooling around with the guy I had sex with last week. He keeps on talking about me having his child, but that will never happen. I’m too gross to have a kid, and not mature enough. Too ill also. Too hateful. If I get angry over whatever one day and say something out loud, it’s going to be something my child remembers. He says I’m beautiful and that he’s in love with me and I’m like, what? When, where, how? Okay, I’m not going to get anybody else but a nigga because that’s all that’s around my neighborhood, but that’s what I don’t want. I’m afraid to get further involved with this nigga ‘cause people be shooting up one another over nothing in J.C. What if he gets killed? I’m going to feel so sad. I’ll be even angrier at God. I got that book, God’s Problem, and I’m on the second chapter. I’ve already written out two pages of letters I want to send to the author, Bart Ehrman. One includes how I started this hating God thing years ago before his book came out, so I didn’t want him to think that he’s to blame for my downward spiral. There was another letter asking him what I am, atheist or agnostic. I’m no longer a Christian. I thought I was just a Christian who was struggling, but God’s no longer on my side and I don’t even pray anymore. When I experience pain I’m helpless in who to cry out to. I just suck my teeth and cry out to nothing. He’s absent from my life. If he’s going to treat me like shit that’s the way I’m going to treat him. It’s so sad, but he earned it, he deserves it