God, I want to die. I think it would be fine if I killed myself. But I can't!! I'm so chicken! If I had a gun I'd be mulling it over in my head, then there would probably be an 85% chance that I'd live. I know from my past experiences that if you have me here for a purpose, not even my determined attempts to take my life will deter you from seeing me through, completely to the end-your end. But I'm struggling! God, I think I'd be better off gone! God, you've got to understand me. I just want out. Why can't you say yes? Please say yes. My parents won't BEGIN to understand how much pain I'm going through until after I'm gone. You know I was never able to speak in front of them, his and her majesty. They put themselves upon a pedestal and say "respect us or else!" I still have to obey them? At my age? Great, my whole life and afterlife will be bowing down in front of superiors. Mommy-this, Auntie-that. I don't even deserve respect because I've been taught that a person like me is at the bottom of the barrel.
7 comments on I'm not a mother. I have nothing to live for.
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Killing yourself is definatly not a smart way out, especially for someone who is religious like you. You need to realize that the amount of time we spend on this earth is completely incomparible and insignificant to the eternity we spend in heaven (unless, of course, you plan to kill yourself). Just think about it, what would you prefer? A couple years of extra struggle followed by an eternity of happiness, or skip those extra years of struggle and enjoy an eternity of hell.
If you've been taught that you are on the bottom of the barrel, then you have been taught incorrectly. It may be hard for you to believe me, but you may very well be at the top of the barrel! No matter how much of a struggle life is for you, no matter how unhappy you are, no matter how sick you are, no matter how limited you are or how much you are being cheated out of life, God watches you much more closely and has already made sure that you will have a place waiting for you when it's your time to join Him. There are certain people chosen to live differently who can and will gain a place in heaven, people who serve a different purpose in life and who may live differently. It may not be easy and it may not be what you want, but you are one of the people God has chosen to be different...so He will continue to watch you...and He will protect your place in heaven. So, you are not at the bottom of the barrel! (People who are on the bottom of the barrel are those who don't have to suffer like you, but choose to turn their backs on the Lord and live their lives badly. They're the ones who have everything going for them and throw it all away.)
sometimes I think it would be paradise to skip the extra years of struggle and go to hell
sometimes I think it would be better to skip the extra few years of struggle and go staraight to hell, but then again, that doesn't make any sense to me.
thanx, donna. I think I can understand a little now
I know that understanding it and believing/feeling it are two different things, and that is what can make things even harder sometimes. So, you've got to at least try to see yourself as a better person than you think you are. God really doesn't make junk or mistakes...other things cause those things to happen. God sees that so He has to watch some people a little closer and promise them that they will be rewarded with peace and happiness because of the suffering they went through. Right now, life seems long and hard, but sometime you'll see that it did go by fast and the hard times will be over.
Well, you are honest enough to share your personal inner ordeals. I think it is not unusual to feel likewise in likewise circumstances. Many peolple, being human beings, are under such strains. This feeling has its roots in the very human urge to be immortal. Breeding children is to satisfy ourselves that we can live after death. I appreciate your expression.
I would like to suggest you should thing broadly. Read and see the ordeals of those whose children go to graves owing to the haman brutality in the forms of wars, famines, extreme poverty and food scarcity. You can adopt children of families who have been perished either by natural calamities, wars and famines. A humanitarian approach can soothe every wound.