I love Jeff so much. Just an amazing guy. He did horrible things while he was down here and he paid dearly for his sins with prison and a death he didn't deserve! But now his life is a celebration. He dances, he sings. He is so joyful. I wish I could be with him, but I'm like the old Jeff, so evil, so willing to tear people limb from limb but unlike Jeff, not by actions, but by words. A person like me would never make it up to heaven. I'm saved, but I just feel so miserable, so angry, so sad, so depressed. If God killed me right now, what would he say to a soul like mine? I really hate being the person I am. I wish I could be cheerful like Jeff is, but it seems God doesn't want me to improve. Everytime I attempt to reach for something positive I just get shot down. I want to go after something fun and nice, I'm rejected from obtaining it. So sad life. I was leaning on the bed where Jeff was about to do my hair, but I just could not tear myself from Jeff's spirit, from Jeff, my pic-y Jeff, just staring at him, telling him I loved him over and over. Everytime I thought I'd be able to go on and do my hair I just found it so bloody difficult. I just stared and stared at him. Even now I just am in a feeling of intense love and having a heartbroken spirit. I just need to express to Jeff how much I love him and I NEED him to bloody listen. Last night in bed I was just speaking all my feelings I had towards him and I needed him to LISTEN SO MUCH TO ME. Sometimes like now, the love I have for him is SO MOTHERf***ING STRONG I just need to express it in a heavenly way, like if he was down here and we started to make love, no matter how down and dirty we got, it would just be a drop in the bucket as far as expressing love got. THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL RIGHT NOW. This is f***ing tiring me out. Oh Jeff, I LOVE YOU, DAMN IT! YOU LISTEN TO ME. I need to be up there with you, Mr. Love. Sharing love. Giving love. Receiving love. EVERYTHING LOVE. I have outgrown my earthly diggs and I'm ready for the next level. Look, the love I want to express is on the next level. I wish God could see I was spiritually mature, like an old girl ready to be taken. I am so ready for the next level but I don't know why I'm still HERE.
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Oh, I wish you didn't always have to feel this way. Life can't be easy for you, but you really should try to hang on and make it as good as you can because heaven only comes to those who wait. Anyone who tries to go before it is time to go will not get there.
Also, anyone who hates God or is angry with Him will not go to heaven either. God wants people who love Him and other people, who are all His children, to be together in heaven.
So, the best way to get there is to do the best thing. And the best thing is to wait until death comes on it's own. And, while you are waiting, you should try to make your life as good as you can and try to make things as good as you can.
God will see this and know that you are trying. He already knows how tough your life has been and how unhappy you feel, but he will also know that you are trying. So, when your real time for dying comes, He will bring you to heaven. That's where all your illnesses and worries will be gone, and love and joy and all good, happy things will be.
I don't think you really want to die too soon or be too angry and end up going to hell instead. That won't be good for you, don't you agree? Because hell means that there will not be an end to suffering. I don't think you want to be unhappy or feel all the bad things forever and ever and it never stops. Because that's what hell is like. Instead of death being an end to the problems and anger and all the bad things, it will mean that those things will never end.
Just try to get through your life as best as you can, ok? It will help to make things better now and for later on.
it's so HHHHAAAARRRRDDDD.
I believe you when you say it's so hard. Of course it's hard when things are so difficult and you are so unhappy about a lot of things. But, can you imagine being like that forever and ever? That's what death might bring. That's what it might result in if you don't find a way to wait for it to come on it's own. God really doesn't want to hear somebody ask to die, He wants to take people when they are really ready. As long as you have so much hatred and anger, He knows you are not really ready for death. He knows that if you die now or too soon (before you are really ready), you will suffer like this forever. And, He wants your suffering and unhappiness to stop...so He's waiting for when you are ready, just like you have to wait and try harder to feel better so you can be ready.
I do know it's hard. The only thing you're being asked to do is to try.
but everyday I'm TRYING. I tell him that personally when I'm at my worst. But it's like he doesn't listen to me. he doesn't make things a little easier for me when I'm at my worst. What kind of a god is that that doesn't want to help you out?
Honestly, I really don't know the answer. We do know that God loves us all, but He really can't help anybody to His fullest if they have doubts, fight Him, or don't let Him completely in. That's why so many people believe that you can't pray for bad things, blame God for bad things that other people have done, or love things more or less or differently than God does.
I'm sure God is listening to you and He is hearing you. He might be trying to help you, but sometimes your hurt and anger block it out. But, if you have found and gotten help in your life, if you have found and gotten meds to help you feel a little better, if you are getting any benefits to help pay bills, then you can see that God has helped you by making some people out there care enough to help you and other people, too.
I remember that you love tea. God makes the tea plants grow. Growing, harvesting, and processing that tea means that some people have jobs, which is very helpful. Eventually, some of that tea makes it into your home, which means God has given you something that you enjoy. So, when you are feeling really bad about something, if you have a cup of tea you will see that God really is there with you and does care about how you feel because He is giving you a cup of tea, which he knows you like. (This is just an example, and a very simple one. But, there are things like this going on all day long.)