Lackland Torture

I wish I were back in Grenada. It was so much better than the United States. Jeff, I wish I were your baby. I don't have anybody, not even you, Jeff. It's so sad. I think God wants me to kill myself 'cause things don't ever get better. I think I had a dream the bad things that are happening were going to last forever. God, don't you know how much I love this guy? I'm telling you all the time, but you neglect me. This is a DYFS case. You'd be sent to jail. God, I love him so much. I miss being skinny. Damn! I could've fitted into anything! I don't want another man. I just want Jeff. I don't want to do anything with my life, I just want to be with Jeff! You know how long I've been without God in my life? Four years. You know how long I've been in love with Jeff? Fifteen years. It seems like forever I've been in love with him. Those two things. I'm being tortured. Why can't God just KILL ME? I love Jeff too much. I'm sick. I need help. I just want to die. I'm so fat. I went to Newark yesterday and as I was walking I kept on pulling up my capris so my stomach wouldn't show as much, and pulling down my shirt around the back so my but wouldn't look as big. It didn't work. I've got like the biggest ass on earth. I hate it. I was upset with God and started talking to myself. God, why am I this way? I just get fatter! I worked myself down to 3mgs of Risperdal, but because of the Jeffy stuff I'm going to have to go back up to 5. I have a bottle filled with 2mg pills. Maybe I should take 200 instead of 1. I'm sick, I'm so sick. Maybe I should get help, but I want to be at my parent's house for Easter. Why can't I just die? I listen to the news all the time, and people are dropping like flies and it's not even suicide related. Why can't I die? I'm sick. I just want to die. Why do I have to be crazy? Why couldn't I have been NORMAL? It was a mistake moving out on my own. I have no friends, nobody who can check on me periodically to see how I'm doing. I don't want ti exist around people. I'd rather kill myself than get help-maybe. Maybe not. You think I'd enjoy going to the hospital ER and saying, "Yeah, I'm depressed because I'm in love with Jeffrey Dahmer." Yeah, right. Never. Too embarrassing. I'd rather die than get help.