Living alone is probably the worst decision I ever made. Yeah I have my idependance, which is something some of the people at the self-help center can't say they have a lot of, and it's nice to run back here after an extended stay with my family, but city life and loneliness are eating away at me, faster than termites to a piece of wood. Loneliness takes the cake. I try going to the self-help center, but it's not that often that I show up and for that reason and also because I keep to myself, even in a crowd, I feel ignored sometimes. I feel alone. I'm the very quiet type, even around my own people, so I get overlooked. I don't want to say that Andrea Weiss was right when she was trying to convince me that supported housing was indepandant living 'cause she wasn't. Here, I've got a bathroom I don't have to share, kitchen, living room, walk-in closet, yada yada. What, in supported housing you only get a room and a kitchen so small the roaches can call it their own? I didn't stay in New York long enough to find out, but even if I had, I wouldn't have been impressed with what I saw. I mean, I come from a family that could only accept the best for themselves. They're not living in the projects anymore and had to get as far away from Staten Island as possible to accomplish their dream. Now they've got a comfortable home in Monmouth County. I'll never get to where they're at. I don't want to. I think the suburbs are fine now that I only visit, but once I move there I'll be thinking that everyone hates me because I'm black. Then I'll just get so fed up with whatever it is about the suburbs I don't like and want to move again. See, there's no way to please Samantha. Well, my illness has a lot to do with it. They're going to think, "how was a girl this messed up able to get a driver's license?" I'm like my dad, I have a problem with everything. I just internalize it. Like, my dad would rather let the plants in the house die rather than open the living room shades up 'cause he thinks the neighbors are staring at him in his house. Well, if he's always pinned up against the window saying, "hey, look at me!" of course they're going to take notice. He has a problem with our neighbors for whatever reason and if I'm in the car with him won't let me say hi. He used to take pictures of people just sitting in their cars, or of a vehicle he thought looked "suspicious." I wish my dad had been born gay. Then I would've had a different father, hopefully a dad I wouldn't have to be relieving myself to the online public about. Someone in my half-straight nigger ancestry was f***ed up. I didn't get the way I am from my mom. She's crystal clean, only been in the hospital for surgery and to have babies. That's as clean a life as I wish I had. I had a dream that I was feeble, lying in a hospital bed unable to talk. Oh man, I just wanted to have a big explosion and die, I didn't want to be hanging around after the explosion, unable to look forward to the delectable morsels the hospital serves, or having a stranger wash my pussy for me. God, please. Remember my first breakdown? I was like, "what is this?!!" It was like panic, pure panic and paranoia. I was crying uncontrollably; I had no friends to call so my therapist had to call me every hour to make sure I was okay. Now, whenever I get a headache it's in the middle of the night and if I get real upset it feels like my brain is hemorrhaging.Well, I have some good news! NBC 4 put on their website a pic of my bunny, Buttercup for all to see! So while every other proud parent had to show off pictures of the usual, boring cats and dogs, my bunny is unique...and kind of lonely. Heh. Lonely. Just like me.
1 comment on loneliness takes the cake
Add a comment
To add comments without entering your email and image verification, you must be logged in. Login or Join Blogster
Loneliness is such a difficult thing and so many people do not appreciate it when they have lives that are not lonely. Do you know how many of those people feel? They feel lonely...because, although they have people around them, they don't know how to be good and sincere, they treat friendship so casually, and they can be quite selfish instead of giving.
I know that I am fortunate because I am close to my parents and we get along very well...yet, I've had some difficulties in my life that I couldn't share with anybody, including my parents, so I felt so all alone. I've also been blessed with some real good friends and they are good to me, yet because I am rather insecure and can feel worthless a lot, I still feel lonely because almost all of my friends are not close by, so some I never get to see. But, I know I shouldn't feel lonely...I really don't have a right to...because of my family and friends.
I live with someone who feels the same way as your dad about the curtains and blinds, about saying hi to strangers, about being overheard or feeling like being watched. There could be a very legitimate reason for that behavior, but it shouldn't be a cause to dislike them or think that something is really wrong with them. It's a fear or a suspicion or something that maybe can never be explained, but a lot of people call those things "quirks", which I think we all have some sort of quirk or another. Your mom seems to be more in control, but there may be some quirks that she has, too. So, although you may feel that you don't have the most ideal parents at times, be thankful that you don't have parents that are worse...or who just don't care.
I'm sorry you feel so lonely, but the drop-in center may still be your best bet for spending some of your time, even if you tend to keep to yourself a lot. At least there are people around and there is some conversation and interaction. It may not make the loneliness go away completely, but it might help a little.