God, I'm feeling so troubled over Jeff. It's like I love him, but it's giving me feelings I can't really describe. God, I think I'd be better off dead. God yesterday I was crying and trying to slice up my flesh yet again; I just felt so horrible. Why weren't you there for me? I needed you! I still need you! I was crying out for you! You're never there when I desperately need you. From now on when I eat I'm going to think, WWJD-What Would Jeffy Do. If he came back he wouldn't be gorging himself with food like I do sometimes. Yesterday I didn't eat complete meals 'cause I was so, so sad and foul. I was miserable! God, when I'm like this I so need you! Thank you, for nothing! You're never, ever there when I'm tetering on despair! God, I REALLY DON'T FEEL GOOD! Not even going to the drop-in center will help! There's a limited amount of things I can do there on the days that they don't go anywhere! I want to be normal, not sick! I want to be in bliss with Jeff! God, I more than deserve it. The pain that I've been in so far can afford me unforgetable memories with my baby RIGHT NOW! Why are you waiting? Why are you stalling? I'm ready for change! Change can be good! Ask Barack Obama. That of the heavenly kind! If you give me earthly change I won't be happy. Maybe, but my happiness won't last. Come on, I've been in love with Jeff over fifteen years. I know where he is now. You think earthly treasures and earthly bliss are going to keep me happy? But you're going to give them to me anyway. I can feel it. God, just help me! Will you? You know I should be comitted, right? With a mouth like mine, always describing the horrible pain I'm in? There has to be a drug that can make me float up to the ceiling. No? Then with or without you, I'm doomed. God, just change my life! Will you? So many people have said that I shouldn't depend on you to feel better or to make my life any happier! Is it true? 'Cause you know I am depending on you and my life is still in the toilet. Well, I don't know what else to do, who to turn to. I NEED YOU! Come on! Stop kidding around! If Jeff were to come down here to be with me, I'd be like, "please, let's go to heaven. I don't want to be here anymore." God, I'm so troubled right now. Why is my mood always in the damn loo? I want to improve but you never give me the opportunity to! I mean, I just DON'T CARE anymore! I don't! I just want out! Can you accept that? You won't. Why do I have to continue to stay here? It doesn't make sense! God, if you see my pain, why won't you help? I'm going on vacation for a week soon with my parents, but I'd rather be up there with you and Jeff! Will I have access to a computer when I'm away? Don't tell me I have to pay for it. God, you know earthly things won't soothe me. Oh my goodness, I was at Disney World for heaven's sake and I had a damn frown on my face! I've always been unhappy! Can't you see? What is my constantly depressed mood doing to you? I mean, as a kid at Disney World I was unhappy and constantly thinking about the missing Down's Syndrome girl back home. I was internalizing everything and I was only 10! I wanted to be dead like I knew the missing girl was going to turn up. She was lucky because she was gone and the media spotlight was on her. I wanted to be the same way! God, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SHOW ME. IT'S NOTHING, MY LIFE. IT'S JUST A BALL OF CRAZY OBSESSION, UNHAPPINESS AND MADNESS. MAKE ME DEAD, DAMN IT! Make me a DAMN CORPSE LYING IN THE MORGUE! I won't care if my body gets butchered in there! I know Jeff didn't care, even though he didn't want an autopsy and they gave his body one anyway. He was in heaven! I won't care either! They'll get their's for desecrating my body anyway, won't they? Why do medical students choose that profession, to be an M.E.? They love tearing apart people's bodies, don't they? It's just a job to them. They don't care what that poor person's previous life was like. I hope after I'm dead I go into the guy who butchered me up's dreams and scare the shit out of him. He's going to violate me sexually, too. Damn M.E.! But I'll never die. I want to, but I feel it'll never happen. God, WHY NOT? I'm here for no reason! I want to die before the family pets die! God, please? I'm just so miserable.
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Hey...sometimes I don't know what to day after you've vented like this. Part of the reason is because I don't know if you're feeling better after letting it out or if you are still caught up in that frame of mind. Listen, I know that you have heard that you shouldn't put everything into God, but you are a person who needs to believe and have God in your life. So, do not turn your back on God. But, you can still take that person's advice by not depending on God for everything. There might be some things you can do and take care of yourself, so instead of asking God for some of those things maybe you can take care of them yourself or get some other people around you to help you with those things. I don't know, but you know the saying "God helps those who help themselves", so that's why I'm suggesting it a little bit. But, that doesn't mean that you should abandon God or your faith in Him.
but I'm helping myself by using my gift. he gave it to me. he can't meet me halfway and give me the rest?