no joking matter

GOD, PLEASE. I NEED HIM. I LOVE HIM. THIS IS NO JOKE. God, I can't concentrate on anything else but him. God, this is real. This is serious. You think I'm kidding? God, please don't play with me. If you should know anything about me it's this: when I love, I love hard. Jeffy is no exception. First it was the baby toy. Then it was Chief Quimby from Inspector Gadget. Then it was The Pink Panther. Then it was Robert Golub. Then it was Jason Vorhees. Now it's Jeff. See all the things and strange people I've loved hard? For no explanation, just loved. I feel embarrased. No wonder no one wants to be my friend. I'm too weird. Everybody wants a normal girlfriend, a normal boyfriend, a normal person to hang out with. They don't want to hang out with or go out with someone who's on a slew of psych medication. I know I can't get a date and it's because of the person I am physically and mentally. I know because I have disclosed and gotten rejected by both sexes. They judge. They're choosey. They're prejudiced. "Oh, I'd never hang out with those kind of people. They're losers, weirdos." Those kinds of people should go to HELL immediately. I should just hang myself. Make my parents think a white person did it when it was just me feeling sorry for myself. I fucking hate myself. I'm like the dog shit that gets stepped in. Didn't you see me? No, you don't care. You're just going to make my life even more miserable, arent you? You just go home and wash me off anyway. So I'm stepped in then washed off. I told you I was a nobody. Nobodies deserve death. Jeff was considered a nobody by many and he got murdered, what most people wanted to see happen. But they couldn't think that a person like him could've seeked forgiveness for his actions and gone to heaven. They're stuck in the Catholic mentality that all extreme sinners go to hell, no and, if or buts about it. I hate people who think like that. I wish they would go to hell just for being so narrow minded. It's like they think just because they've been good and never did anything horrible they're exempt from the firey pits of hell? Gimme a break. There's only one way to heaven and that's through salvation, getting saved, asking Jesus into your heart. It's a RELATIONSHIP, not a RELIGION. I know that. Jeff didn't teach me that. I learned it from my mom, Sunday school, the pastor at my church and my own righteous thinking, before it got clouded with my own unfortunate pitfalls. God, I'm trying, that's all I'm saying, hanging in there day by day without doing any harm to myself, to see your purpose for me become reality. Look God, I'M TRYING. It's so hard. Between Jeff and my financial, mental and social situations, it's hard. I just write. It's what you want me to do most of all, right?