Nothing to Save Me Part I

I wrote these like, a week and a half ago. I was mulling over college websites, looking through college catalogs wondering if God wanted me to go back to school. Since then I have come to think that he doesn't; that he wants me to concentrate on working out and writing. I mean, that's what I think. I could be wrong. Throughout all my praying and worrying you'd think God would calm me down and tell me what he wants of me. I'm still feeling troubled, but not as much as when I wrote these. I don't know. The mary jane part I just added. Here it is anyway

Oh God, please tell me if you want me to go back to school. I'm on NJCU's website and the English minor looks good, but I think in order to minor in journalism and creative writing I have to major in English. There is no creative writing/journalism major. HCCC has an intro to journalism class, but I have to get past two English classes in order to take it. I don't think I even have what it takes to be a journalist. I watch the news all the time, but I can't be like Tracie Strahan or Sue Simmons (NBC channel 4). I'm too old first of all to start in journalism. Kids start fresh out of college. I'm 31 now. I'll be around 36 when I finish school, if I go back to school. I don't know if I should go back. God, it's up to you. Please tell me soon. Don't be too late. In school I just have this idea that I won't be able to do the work given to me. I'll just say "I'm too dumb to understand what you want me to do." That's how I feel. Really, I haven't done work that required me to think since I started college in '94. I remember I was having a hard time writing this paper and thought I'd already failed the class. I went in to see a counselor and she guided me with suggestions. I wanted more from her, but she said I'd have to come up with the rest. I'm just scared to use my brain! I'm scared of what the professors will want of me! What if I give my best but it's not good enough? I'm scared to use my brain 'cause it hasn't been used in a long time. And I'm ugly and immature! I'll never make it as a journalist. A writer, yes, but not a journalist. I'll be the first writer that wears black mary janes to an interview. That says it, from now on I'm wearing mary janes everywhere, and with pants or a skirt high up so everyone can see. Oh, isn't she a cute little girl? Na-na. I want my ba-ba! Anyway, back to this. Most people go to school for writing, then publish a book. I've already wrote one. It amounts to a pile of dead roaches and cow chips, but it's something. There's so much more work on it I have to do, and I explained what I had to do with it, I think, but I have no money. There is NO USE for me to try to get a job. It will never work out. I'll be doing menial work for menial pay, and at my age there are people getting like, a millionaire's salary. At my age, there are millionaires. I'll be scrubbing toilets at restaurants. I'd rather be making chocolate like Jeff was. Even I wouldn't last too long at that job because I'd get bored and I'd know that there would be people making a thousand times more.