A Struggle That Never Ends

God, I just want to die. The job at Macy's is not going to keep me satisfied. Yeah, I'll be making a little holiday money, but I just want out. Look, you took Jeff and Steve. I was thinking about Steve, how he struggled with drugs and now his struggle is over. God, I've been struggling ever since I dropped out of college, for twelve years. I mean, when are you going to call it quits already? I have to quote Jeff, "I never wanted life, frankly I wanted death for myself." That's the way I feel, God! Man, if I say I don't want to live for you anymore you won't listen to me! That's understanding, taking me when I just can't go on anymore. Instead, you just have me alive, not wanting to live at all. God, okay, I asked for help and you gave me a possible job. It's okay, but it's not what I really want! God, why? What are you going to do with me after the job is over? Please say you'll kill me. God, I just want to hug Steve and hear him say kind words to me. Is there eating allowed in heaven? I'll cook for both him and Jeff. We could eat little treats we make and find. God, why can't I have an open relationship with the dead? I want to be amongst them! I want to say "hey! Here I am!" and have them all congregate around me! God, this journey, this hard task you're giving me to do is so difficult. Can't it be over soon? Look man, I'm just doing the job thing because I didn't feel safe at home alone. God, I really love Jeff and Steven. It's just so sad that I can't talk to them. God, you know what I need is Jeff, Steve, you and not a job. You know how my heart aches when you give me another day to live. God, I want to be your best friend. Will you promise you'll help me? Help! And by help I mean kill me off.